Trysexuality – It’s (Not) Just For Girls!

Posted: February 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

QRG has been getting her knickers in a twist, a bit lately, about the concept of ‘trisexuality’. You know, those people who say ‘I’m trysexual- I will try anything, me!’ Haha. I know someone who did actually say that. And he also called himself ‘heteroflexible’. I refer to him, though, with the more monosyllabic phrase: ‘Cock’.

But what is ‘trysexuality’? Does it mean anything beyond that silly play on words? Does it refer to  a sense of sexual freedom and experimentation? And if so how is it different for men, women, or people who identify as neither?

Over at Mark Simpson HQ, we have been debating these questions and more. Mark has taken the view that in general, women are presented with more options for being flexible over their gender roles, and their chances for sexual experimentation,than men, without getting ‘typecast’ as ‘gay’.


Mark has found  another concept, ‘flexisexuality’, which seems to be strictly for girls! But maybe that is because the ‘internet dating’ market is looking to recruit more women.  As far as I can tell, young men DO experiment with having sex with other men, just as young women do with women. These phenomena are treated differently, but, as the discussion above shows, there are complexities across the board.

Anyway, the video at the top of this post I think, is quite a poignant little illustration of ‘trysexuality’. I like how it blurs the lines of consent, as well. An issue that QRG is also getting her knickers in a twist about at the moment, and that she will return to very soon.

  1. redpesto says:

    Oh dear – it’s another case of ‘Quick! Don’t mention the “b-word”!’ And it gets even more complicated if one considers ‘behavioural’ bisexuality v bisexuality as ‘identity’ (i.e., adjective v noun). Moreover, female bisexuality ends up being both subsumed into feminism (sisters are doin’ it to/with each other!) and into heterosexual male fantasy (twice the number of women = more eye candy!). Male bisexuality? No-one knows what to do with it, or how to frame it, or how to argue a case for it. I’d suggest a variation on libertinism, if it wasn’t for the whiff of class privilege. That said, in a BDSM context, there’s no reason why men can’t fuck each other if the eroticism is based on top/bottom roles (MS/M?) rather than gender (see Califia’s short story ‘Belonging’ for more).

    • Tim says:

      Do you mean the whole ‘Feminism is the theory, lesbianism is the practice’ notion ?

      Anyway, when discussing bisexuality, I often get the idea that people seem to have a problem with sexuality not being defined as one-on-one.

      Heterosexuals are only attracted to the other gender (If you believe in the gender binary), and nothing else.
      Homosexuals are only attracted to the same gender, and nothing else.
      Bottoms are only attracted to tops, and nothing else.
      Sadists are only attracted to masochists, and nothing else.

      Bi- Omnisexuals are attracted to both/all genders… Wait what ? You don’t want to decide on one thing ? Than this is clearly not a stable state you are in. You are probably just going through a phase. Or you are a coward too afraid to come out as gay. Or you just do it because you think men find it hot. Or you just want to live the feminist dream.

    • Tim says:


      The Captain will be born around the year 5000 and I really don’t want to wait that long for a resolution to sexuality 🙂

  2. Clarence says:

    Does it really matter that while I’ve known four girls who would admit trying out bisexuality and no self-identified straight guy. And what of me? I’ve never felt such an urge and I never felt the need or slightest urge to experiment as to whether I could be attracted to my own sex as opposed to females. Indeed, despite the fact that I have had two openly bi male friends and I support most legal rights for homosexuals the thought of sex (giving or receiving) with another man makes me wretch and so it is not something that crosses my mind very often. I think QRG is fooling herself if she thinks normal males feel either the urge or the freedom (in our homophobic society) to experiment, and while I do expect there will be more as homosexuality gets even more accepted in our culture, I suspect it will still be something outside the experience of most men.

    I think women both socially and psychologically have an easier time trying “bi” and being “bi”. I honestly have no idea why this is.

  3. elissa says:

    I have a theory that more men come into their bisexual urge period a bit later in life (40’s and up). With some chasing the cross dressing femme type, smooth, younger and so on. Shows as the relaxing of the feminine, that special feminine that also pack a penis. I base my theory on having perused the men for men Craigs list this afternoon…I am still investigating the phenomenon.

    • I have heard about men ‘transitioning’ late in life, or at least experimenting with ‘feminine’ identities, too, elissa.

      It’s an interesting thing and I am not sure what it’s about!

  4. redpesto says:

    Just to follow up my reply to Tim: here’s Kira Cochrane in the Guardian about women who become lesbians in later life (rather than being bisexual women who’ve found the perfect girlfriend):

    Sexual fluidity occurs in both men and women, but it has been suggested that women are potentially more open and malleable in this regard. Richard Lippa, professor of psychology at California State University, Fullerton, has carried out a variety of studies that have led him to the conclusion that, “while most men tend to have what I call a preferred sex and a non-preferred sex . . . with women there are more shades of grey, and so I tend to talk about them having a more preferred sex, and a less preferred sex.

    Unfortunately, there’s no link to either the ‘studies’ or to explain exactly why women should somehow be more ‘open and malleable’ than men.

  5. Yeah, I always thought that Trysexual I’ll try anything once thing was funny. I liked the open-minded aspect of it–if they really lived by that.

  6. Amfortas says:

    i’ve ‘identified’ as bisexual forever(i’m 42)…but when i came across the word ‘trysexual’, i immediately latched onto it as more accurate…and without all the baggage that bisexual,gay or straight carry. I tried being gay, once…with a good friend…and it just wasn’t me. my cock worshiping side likes the ‘wickedness’, the libertine aspect…but i don’t really enjoy cuddling and kissing a guilt feelings, or weirdness…i just like women for that.the human tendency to categorize every damned thing gets tiresome, in this area.
    if i had to pick a label(which i do not) it’s Trysexual.

  7. bret church says:

    hello i cant explain why others are attracted to the sexual life style that they choose . only they know what they feel inside . just like only i know why i am a trysexual . i started considering myself as a trysexual back in 1994 . i had never heard the term before . so for all i know i introduced the term . but i have never been satisfied fully sexually . i have always been left requireing more . i am an artist with an extremely active imagination . sometimes this can lead me to an extreme fantastic time . sometimes i tend to go to far . but all was and is worth it . whether the experience is good or not so good . ive never had a bad experience . but my imagination has lead me on some extremely exciting adventures . but when i discovered the internet my imagination and my trysexuallity went off the scale . i then truely became a trysexual . i have tried things that nobody had tried before . atleast if anyone did they didnt let anyone know about it . my sex life when i am able to is out of this world . it is most generally a full weekend experience . the only problem that i have now is that i am unable to find anyone like minded . i am just to twisted any more . some people have said that they are open minded and like to experiment . but they found it hard to even except the lighter side of my sexuality . i have found that there is only one person who can satisfy me . that person is me . so all though i have extremely exciting , twisted and a bizzare sex life . my trysexuality makes it hard to have a long lasting relationship . so i am forced to be and lve alone . sometimes i think to myself that i should just give it up . but when i get horny i realize that i never had a choice in the matter . i realize that without it i would be miserable . i realize that it helps keep me sane . so unless i am able to find someone ( whether it be a man or a woman ) that is truely like minded . i will be alone for the rest of my life . i have always been a loner but have always wanted someone to love who could actually love me . i have been with a few that said they loved me and accepted me for the way that i am . but as i revealed myself to them we both would learn that they just couldnt handle it . i never even got to the really good kinky twisted shit . let alone the extremely twisted , bizzare , kinky shit . it would have simply blown their simple minds . if the wrong people find out about some of the things that i do they would probably lock me away in a padded room some where . who knows it might be a good thing if they did . but i will never volunteer for it . i hope this helps everyone to understand what it is like to be a male trysexual who was originally raised to be a hedrosexual and to be and act as manly as possible . that alone made life difficult since i have always had an extremely strong feminen side and have always wished that i was a woman instead . life would have been so much easier for me . but for those out there that are interested in experimenting with being a trysexual . be for warned it will take over and change your life . im not saying that it is bad or good . but it can change your personality . i have pretended to be the mans man for so long that i find it hard now to relax and be who i really am . i have basicly for the last twelve years or so been leading a triple life . at work i am the man . at work doing construction . i work harder and faster then everyone else . then when i go out i dress as a woman and prefer to go to gay bars . atleast there if i am discovered i wont have to worry about getting into a fight and getting some guys blood on my outfit . and then when i decide to be alone and do my personal sexual thing .well that is a whole completely different personality there . when i am being a man i am one hundred and ten percent man . when i am being a woman i am one hundred and ten percent woman . but when i am doing my personal sexual thing i am two hundred percent twisted . there is a bit of my feminen side present but there isnt any of my manly side . i cant really explain the personality that i take on . it kind of tends to be seperate from me . i know of it . i know its nature . i know who it thinks and why it thinks the way that it does . but i dont really understand it . dont really care to . i guess thats why i am a trysexual it helps to satisfy the urges of that personality . and keeps me out of trouble . okay ive babbled on to much . alot of people will probably not want anything to do with me after they read this but owell . some people will be a loss but i need to get this off my shoulders if i am to try and find peace in myself . so judge me as you will but just remember i am still the same person that you have always known . the only difference is that know you know why i am so screwed up and why i have had such a hard time in life . and why i generally dont get to close to people . simply because they will most likely shun me if they found out .

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