New Metro Patriarch

Posted: September 14, 2011 in metrosexuality, Metrosexy
Tags: ,

Hans F Hansen is a Scandanavian footballer, apparently. But in Metrosexy world, it is not enough to be a world class footballer. You have to also prove your worth, as an object of desire, and one which has a financial value. Just ask Beckham, Nadal, Henson, Ronaldo, they will tell you how it’s done.

But Hans is not content with trussing himself up in pretty knickers or making a buck by flaunting his pert ass for all to see, or even with his own business venture of flogging ‘smooth’  metrosexy his and hers pubic hair grooming products.  No, he has a bigger dream. A sexy dream. A feminist dream?

‘For decades, The Playboy Mansion has been a playground For Men where Playmates have entertained millions of guests with their bunny costumes, a genius concept perfectly executed by a once young and vivacious idealist. However, that once young man, along with his rabbit tricks, are now old, decrepit and stale. It is time for a new mansion, a new playground where women set the standard. The Hans F Hansen Mansion will be a place of Elegance and Mystery, where guests will reach a level of thorough entertainment not only through it’s intoxicating atmosphere, but also by the exotically beautiful, multitalented, and worldly Hans F Hansen Dames. Isn’t it time for change? We say YES.. It Is.’

The Hans F Hansen Mansion aims to provide an environment where women can be empowered, sexy and adored by… er…gentlemen. You know, like Spearmint Rhino, that famous ‘gentleman’s club’ that the feminists love so much.

‘THE MANSION of Hans F Hansen will be a beautiful and sophisticated environment for women, where only “Gentlemen” are welcome. Our mansion is unlike any other mansion of it’s kind because, although it is made up OF WOMAN, it is also made FOR WOMEN. If a man is allowed inside, it is only because he has made an oath to treat woman with respect and enjoy them as beautiful free spirits, not as objects whose sole purpose is to cater to or amuse him. This mansion is GENTLEMEN ONLY.

The Mansion is home to Hans F Hansen, The Hans F Hansen Dames, and many Exclusive Events, Celebrity Private Parties, and Charity Gala’s. This incredible space is not only a living quarters, and event venue, but it also serves as the bootcamp facility where the The Dames’ will learn to be Ultimate Power Woman – Poised, Worldly, Well-Spoken and Multi-Talented.’

I don’t know about you, but it isn’t really my idea of emancipation to learn to be ‘poised, worldly, well-spoken and multi-talented’.

The clever, metrosexy thing about this idea is that it really just copies the Heffner Playboy empire, but adds in a language and an imagery that suits the postmodern, post-feminist, post-everything world we live in.

And, just as Hugh is king of his castle ( a little bit deflated since his bride to be walked out on him), so will Hans be. This is all about Hans. And about how Hans is ‘superior’ to Heffner in a macho competitive way. And about Hans making money.  Of course, if it was really metrosexy, the mansion would not be full of dames at all, but of dudes. My idea of a metrosexy utopia/dystopia, is a mansion full of fit buff boys, being ’empowered’ by their freedom to be on display and adored as true ‘gentlemen’.

But even in the Metrosexy 21st century, some old fashioned ideas remain. One of them is that when it comes to sex work, because that is what this is, women constitute the majority of the labour force. Because the ‘demand’ for sexual services still comes from men overall. And men who pay for sex with men, still have to do so in far more shadowy, and far less ’empowered’ corners of the world than the Hans Hansen Mansion.

I’d like to wish Hans good luck in his new venture, but I am afraid I can’t. It’s far too dated.


h/t @Mattlodder

  1. That does it. When will we see a Gayboy Mansion? Where all the men are beautiful free spirits; poised, worldly, well-spoken and multi-talented.

    Except for the Marines, truck drivers and lumberjacks. Lumberjacks mix a mean gimlet.

  2. luckywood says:

    Fantastic punchline.

    “So guys… you can play with me, or you can watch me play”

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