Carry On Caveman!

Posted: August 5, 2011 in Masculinities, metrosexuality, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,!/photo.php?fbid=190892147642139&set=pu.166955976702423&type=1&theater

Men go to the gym right? They do yoga, and pilates, and aerobics, and ‘body conditioning’? right?

Not, it seems in Orley, which is, according to my source, a part of ‘semi-rural England’ near Milton Keynes.

‘Caveman Conditioning’ is a macho/camp attempt by a group of mainly lads in Orley, to ‘do’ metrosexuality without, you know, actually being metrosexual. Needless to say, as attempts to not be metrosexual go, this is a big fat fagly failure.

If we apply the scientific  method of analysis to Caveman Conditioning:


In other words. It’s GAY.

The metrosexual aspect of CaveFag Conditioning is not just apparent in the fact its a macho attempt at ‘denial’ of the inherent ‘femininity’ of men’s self-love. It is also apparent in that CaveMan Conditioning is mediated masculinity. The ‘club’ has a FaceBook group which is full of photos, of mainly men,but one or two women, prancing around a sportsfield, giving each other wheelbarrows, playing Tug O’War and generally being like the Gay Marines. These comments on the photos (between two women) are instructive:

Caveman Conditioning Apologise for the blurred photos, I guess you were just working to quick !

B: If you are planning on taking any photos on Monday I claim the right to photoshop them before they go on FB! Haha! 🙂

Lol, B, what are you saying about those photos!!!

A, these pics are great but I’m not very photogenic so I might give Monday’s training a miss..haha!:)

Caveman Conditioning haha ok ok no worries. the power of the camera in the past has been known to make people work harder!

‘The power of the camera in the past has been known to make people work harder!’ If that is not a metrosexual mantra, I don’t know what is.

There are then, one or two women involved in Caveman Conditioning. But rather than making it less gay, I think their presence serves to underline the ‘fagginess’ of the whole exercise. Women in ‘macho’ and ‘laddish’ culture are often used as accessories, to prove that the boys’ own adventure involves chasing girls. A bit like the Carry On Movies themselves! But unlike Carry On, which was very self-aware and played on just how camp it was, modern metro ‘fag denial’ is all about burying homoerotics under a mediated, macho construction.  But when you bury things they just seem more and more obvious. Take GQ Style, for example, it really looks to me like any other ‘gay’ online magazine. The only thing that sets it apart for me from Attitude or Oh La La! is it has a ‘Girls’ section. There are girls! We can’t be gay! Girls! Not Gay!

An interesting ‘character’ in CaveMan Conditioning, goes by the name of Jordan ‘Badger’ Bazzone. I didn’t know Badgers were manly creatures but there you go.

Apparently, again according to my trusted source (could he be a CaveFag insider?) Badger describes himself as a ‘BOBFOC’. Translation: Body off Baywatch. Face Off Crimewatch!’

The funny, and fagtastic thing here, is, this is normally an acronym given to women. In an insulting way. But here, a man using it to describe himself, suddenly makes it sound kind of ‘hot’. I don’t know which ‘body’ he is referring to off Baywatch. But whether it is Busty Pamela Anderson or brawny Hoff, it’s quite a camp image of physical prowess. And, rather than saying he is ugly, the ‘face off crimewatch’ seems to be trying to add some bad -boy thuggishness. You know, a bit like how Guy/Gay Ritchie does with his gay gangster films.

The Facebook group of CaveFag conditioning, also refers to drinking. Again, like sports ‘post-match’ piss-ups, this is often an excuse for some homo-erotic horseplay. I don’t know what the girls do in this situation. I’d be grateful if they took some photos!

There is an example of the language of sports homo-erotics on the CaveMan Conditioning Facebook. After a session the organiser posts: ‘Smashed it! Yet again!’ Which, as Andy Gray knows, has some very sexual overtones.

Work by both Mark Simpson and Eric Anderson and colleagues, has begun to look at how this ‘homo-erotic’ horseplay is changing, in a world that is not quite so in denial as it used to be about men’s love of being with other men. And also,  how this relates to their own self-love. 

From what I have read, Simpson and Anderson et al do not share the same perspective on this. I think there is some dispute over whether or not ‘decreased homophobia’ leads to more ‘homo-erotic’ activity or less, and about what constitutes ‘homo-erotic activity’ in the first place.  If I am correct in my interpretation of his work, I think Simpson might go so far to say that sports (and manly cave fag bonding) are in some ways excuses in themselves, for men to get drunk and ‘bond’ in a very homo way.This differs from Anderson et al, who seem to present sports as becoming less homophobic, and more ‘gay friendly’ , more ‘inclusive’.  But this begs the question, without ‘homophobia’ what would be the point of sports at all?

Caveman Conditioning might be an interesting case study, looking at  both ‘homosexual’ and ‘metrosexual’ denial amongst men, how the two relate to each other, and how men enact/present them  to the world (via their facebook photos showing their arses and their pecs!). It may be trying to assert a ‘neanderthal’ model of masculinity, albeit by using up-to-date social media technology, but Caveman Conditioning is definitely a thoroughly metro affair.

Thanks to @LawrenceJGreen for the tip and for some sharp metro-analysis

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