Geordie Shore is sponsored by a fake tan company. That is probably all you need to know about MTV UK’s new ‘reality’ show. As Mikey Sorrentino, star of its American predecessor Jersey Shore taught us, GTL-Gym, Tanning, Laundry- is the mantra for modern metrosexual man. And Geordie Shore is a temple of metrosexuality.
The thing I noticed about the buff, bronzed beauties of Geordie Shore (the blokes, yes) when I watched an episode this week, was that they seem to come down for breakfast in the morning with a fresh coat already applied. The tanning booth is off-camera, you don’t actually see them getting sprayed. But the ‘T’ is definitely the star of this GTL show.
There is, though, a little, just a little bit more to Geordie Shore than orange pecs, abs and tits. Like its Jersey Big Bro it focusses on the mediated lives of a group of lads and lasses living together. And, in a rather disconcerting twist, all the four young women look like Kim Kardashian lookalikes, and all the four young men are competing for the position of Mikey S body double of the year. The group spend their days preparing for the nights ahead, spent in the ‘VIP Areas’ of Newcastle’s nightclub scene. champagne flows, arguments come to blows, and nobody goes home alone. Because the main aim of every excursion for this household is ‘banging’.Reader, I banged her.
The problem with making a whole reality TV series about sex, as any Big Brother aficianado can attest, is that it is actually decidedly unsexy. Reality TV is yet another nail, hammering into the coffin of sex itself. Despite all their bravado the ‘characters’ in Geordie Shore keep their coital exploits very much undercovers, in the darkness of the night. So the poor voyeurs, I mean viewers, only get to strain to make out vague forms moving beneath duvets in the gloom. Hearing the young men and women talking to camera, you’d think they were involved in a different programme altogether. ‘It was wall to wall sex!’ exclaims one of the lasses enthusiastically. ‘It was a porno movie!’ But it isn’t like any porn movie I have seen.
One of the lads, Gaz, has a HUGE cock apparently, that any porno star would be proud of. ‘It is like my forearm’ squeals one girl. ‘It’s like a PARSNIP’ shouts another. But so far we are yet to see this specimen, and I for one am not prepared to award it the prize for Best In Show until we do.
The only frisson I was able to squeeze out of the hour long episode I saw, was in the form of violence and conflict. The rather impressive nightclub bitchfights aside, some of this conflict is quite subtly executed. In a telling moment to camera, one of the Kim Kardashian look a likes, mentioning an illicit snog at a club ( when she has a boyfriend back home, in actual as opposed to simulated reality) said: ‘he kissed me and I retaliated. Is that the right word?’ Well no, but yes. Because this is indeed a battle. On one level it is a traditional ‘Boys v Girls’ fight. The girls seem to want to break down the boys’ resistance so they will eventually succumb to their charms and their hair extensions, and fall in love. The boys appear to be determined to prove they can ‘bang’ the girls into submission, without caring about them at all. Big Dick Gaz in particular, is making it his mission to bed ‘psycho Charlotte’ as she affectionately terms one aspect of her character. But so far Charlotte (including psycho Charlotte) is putting up a good fight. If I do tune in next time,it may well be just to see who wins this duel.
The lads also brought in a whole batallion of blondes one night, to try and make the girls jealous I expect. And also, maybe to convince us that despite their prettiness, their narcissism and their shared interest in Gaz’s big dick, they are all 100% heterosexual. But one of the blondes fell in the jacuzzi, another had a boyfriend, and the other two were ‘boring as fuck’. So that is brunettes: 1 blondes: 0 Lads’ heterosexuality: Unconfirmed.
The title sequence of Geordie Shore shows the whole gang walking arm in arm along the bank of the river Tyne, as if they are Best Friends Forever. But I think it might be only a matter of time before someone is hurled into the icy water. I do hope that fake tan is water-resistant.