In The Frame

Posted: May 28, 2011 in Letters From An Alien, Writing

I was thinking what it would be like if I had to be in the frame. Centre stage. For whatever reason. And I didn’t like the feeling I got, somewhere between a shiver and a cowering, and a blush of shame.

Then I remembered how one of the readers on here mentioned a while back, how I rarely write anything personal. About me. And I came back with a retort, a little defensively if I look back on it, about how I am always writing personal stuff, especially in my fiction. That this blog is an expression of me. But I know what he meant.

I am always a little bit out of the frame, off -camera. Standing behind someone else. Or looking up to them and asking you to do the same.

One of the many things I am scared about in finishing/publishing my novel is I will have to stand in front of it. I saw some quotes that people had written – you know to go on the ‘dust jackets’ (or whatever the ebook equivalent is) of some other writers’ books. The kinds of writers who would write a quote for my dust jacket if I asked. And I suddenly just thought I can’t do that. I don’t even want to ask someone to write something about me to publish for others to see.  I want them to tell me in private, in whispered missives, how much they like my book. Or in a comment hidden below a blogpost, an email, a phonecall. Not in the glare of the flashbulbs and the spotlights. Not in broad daylight.

Every so often someone manages to manage my ‘maladjustment’ my malaise. My modesty that is the opposite of false. And somehow to find it not irritating but endearing. And then I am so relieved I just want to live under their cloak forever. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Well why ever not? I thought that is what bushels were for.

The thing is you see, even the most craven fame-hungry, camera-loving confident  people, they still seem pretty vulnerable to me.  David Beckham, Katie Price, Mikey Sorrentino. They are no shrinking violets. But are they comfortable? Really? In the camera’s constant glare? They don’t look it. I am just being honest about my discomfort right from the upshot.

So excuse my shyness. I can’t promise I will  get over it. I can’t promise anything.

Except these words.

 

 

Comments
  1. Interesting post. I can certainly sympathize with this. xx

  2. Gs says:

    I checked a thesaurus and found some tags that seemed appropriate and may add to the reader’s understanding.

    Reluctance, demurring, unbesought . . .

    Here’s synonym’s to reluctance which don’t seem quite appropriate.

    Unwilling, displeasure, mousiness . . .

  3. elissa says:

    You’re at your best when you’re miserable and insecure -:)

    And don’t forget what Chomsky said about eating pussy…

  4. baltic lostness says:

    hey. you may not know who i am but i retweeted some eminem quote you posted last week and i just wanted to apologize. J. Maker insulted me and in my sleep- deprived madness i thought you had something to do with it. i never interact with people on the computer and this twitter seems to force you to engage. i am staying off twitter and i probably won’t visit this place either, but your very talented and i just wanted to apologize. if time allows i’ll try to read your novel. good luck!

  5. baltic lostness says:

    sorry. ‘you’re’ very talented (still sleep- deprived)

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