Single Ladies

Posted: May 10, 2011 in Desire, Identity, Kink
Tags: , ,

This is the list of entrance prices/membership fees for a ‘hedonists” ‘sex club’ in Toronto, Canada.

It is a very interesting example of the different values of men and women in the ‘sex’ marketplace. Even in the ‘recreational’ sex marketplace.

Why do you think it costs only $5 basic entry for a single woman and $80 for a single man?

I expect it is mainly because there are not enough women going to these clubs and so they need to give women incentives to go.

And because if there are too many men, the club will go from being ‘hedonist’ to being ‘homo’.

Also, single men are often treated, in the club scene, as predatory- see the sign at the bottom: NO touching without permisssion!, and the note saying ‘single gents will be admitted at the discretion of the management’- and kind of potentially ‘creeps’.

In some clubs there is a genre of man that regular clubbers call ‘the wanky man’. A man who does not take part in the ‘action’ but instead, stands around watching and probably masturbating. This is portrayed as unsightly, perverted and somehow aggressive to the other clubbers, especially women.

It is almost as if men themselves are seen as a problem, unless they play by the rules.

It’s no wonder many men go to all-male clubs, saunas and gyms. There may not be any women there, but at least they are not having their sexuality policed within an inch of its life.

  1. Interesting observations….

    I think it says that men are looking for “casual sex” at a higher rate than women….

    The time I went, women were allowed to wear clothes and men had to be naked ala CFNM….

    (see blog for full story 😉 )

  2. Tobias says:

    (What follows is my personal opinion and is not officially on behalf of KSL)

    I co-founded Kinky Salon London which is a non-profit community-based “arty sexy party”. We inherited our ruleset from the San Francisco mothership that developed Kinky Salon nearly a decade ago. One of their innovations is called the Pervy Activity Liaison or PAL system and it was created in response to the realisation that traditional party rules such as those mentioned above are inherently sexist and discriminatory.

    The PAL system, which is open for other parties to use via Creative Commons – seriously!- is designed to encourage accountability as well as parity of gender at sexy and kink events. Every guest, regardless of their gender or sexuality, has to come accompanied by at least one person who can vouch for them. The “PAL” who comes with you does not need to be your lover but they must be willing to take responsibility for your actions. If a guest breaks our code of conduct, their PAL suffers the consequences.

    Instances of bad behaviour are extremely unusual at Kinky Salon London and we rarely have to admonish a guest. It is not the case that women guests are immune to bad behaviour, though in my personal opinion it does tend to be the men who are a little more socially awkward and require a touch more education on the etiquette.

    We discourage the “wanky man” with a rule that no guest may “linger unaccompanied” in play areas. The only people who seem to dislike this rule are the voyeurs!

    One interesting difference in approach between men and women I have noticed is that men are extremely reticent about reporting incidents where a woman has invaded a man’s personal space without permission. Something that would be seen as sexual agression from a man is sometimes seen as merely unwelcome flirting or high spirits from a woman.

    On the whole, however, we are extremely lucky to have a warm, friendly community where the vast majority of men, women, people of gender, whatever play together in a consensual and respectful fashion. I believe it is this ethos rather than any economic incentive or disincentive that keeps the gender balance in check.

  3. elissa says:

    If this is Club Wicked (in Toronto), then I have been there personally, and I can tell you that some single men bring prostitutes to this club, and properly most clubs of the sort, to get past the requirements. They host many theme nights, which are designed to lower inhibitions, thrusting oneself out of character. Maybe they should run a “wanker” theme, and see how many regular Joe’s show up…and I so agree that male sexuality is viewed as deeply maligned and ultimately predatory, even in supposedly progressive environments such as these.

    I’ve mathematically arrived at a true tipping point, the point where a hedonist space transforms into a homo-sausage soirée, and it occurs when the ratio of testicles is two times or greater than the number of breasts in any one room – otherwise known as threesome Fridays night, with a MFM bias.

  4. Tobias says:

    (Again my personal opinion, not on behalf of everyone at Kinky Salon)

    Kinky Salon London is as pro-man as we are pro any gender or sexuality. We’re never going to get everything right but we do try. This means that where other clubs ban male/male play and male bisexuality, we encourage it. Where other clubs ban single men and refuse to answer their emails, we welcome them. Although the majority of Kinky Salon’s crew are women, we do have three men in the team and we feel our interests are well represented.

    Kinky Salon uses the term “Wanky McJerkoff” to refer to those who hang around watching people and playing with themselves rather than playing with other people. This was written in to the original code of conduct by the San Francisco club.

    I have corrected on the London website a reference to “wanky men” as I agree it’s not appropriate. Unlike Killing Kittens, which says “women make the rules and only women can break the rules”, Kinky Salon’s rules apply equally to men, women, people of gender or whatever.

    That said, I have never at any party seen a solo woman voyeuse touching herself while watching others in a play area. I have seen couples acting voyeuristically but not doing the physical action of jerking off in front of others. While I wouldn’t say this behaviour is harrassment it is something that I know makes a lot of partygoers feel very uncomfortable. There is something non-consensual about it and I think some people find being the subject of a watch-n-wank to be a depersonalising experience.

    I don’t know if this is because some women have a better sense of etiquette than some men; whether this type of activity is something some men enjoy more than some women; nor whether it’s something that some men associate with parties through their consumption of porn. All I know is that there’s a reason why we don’t hear the word “wanky woman” very often, and it’s because we don’t see women engaging in that behaviour. Nor do we get complaints about women watching and wanking. The complaints we get about women usually fall under other categories.

  5. as far as the sausage fest-I’ve also seen that at a nude beach….

    If three nice ladies take their tops off, in a few minutes they are surrounded by about 20 guys…. One time I made a joke to one of the guys who likes to get close…..

    I told him if I was gay, I would pretend to be straight and set up with the “wolf pack” whenever some ladies got naked…. Then as the women were leaving, I’d approach one of the guys and say, “Man, those chicks were hott…”

    He got really mad when I said that, must’ve hit a nerve…..

    But, yes, males are demonized…..

    I think you mentioned that an airline doesn’t allow men to sit near children….

  6. typhonblue says:

    I remember my husband and I tried out one of those ‘swinger’ type bars. Unfortunately we were more interested in meeting single men then single women or couples.

    Ended up being disgusted with the rules that turned single men into some sort of controlled toxic substance. (Husband was pretty livid over it actually.) Begged a headache after being there an hour and left.

    After that we figured out swinging was not for us. We’re both bi so we did the obligatory half-assed attempts at polyamory but it turns out, yeah we’re bi, but also very monogamous.

  7. Clarence says:

    The Seduction Community has whole posts and videos dedicated to club and bar “game” and they explain these dynamics most exhaustively. Here I’m referring to heterosex clubs not gay clubs nor necessarily “kinky” clubs, though if they are majority heterosex I suppose most of this would apply.

    It’s not so much that male sexuality is “toxic” (though that is a common thought if not the “normal” thought) as it is a simple matter of supply and demand and how the sexes (on average) denote and infer their sexual marketplace status.

    To be a good club, you have to have “hot” chicks and a woman friendly atmosphere. Thus, as has been mentioned on this thread women deemed sexually attractive are hired or otherwise incentivised to come on a permanent or near-permanent basis. Then, to prevent too many straight males chasing after a few miserable women ( who would have to fend off too many advances to enjoy themselves) one discriminates against single males in one way or another, and incentivizes single females. One wants a somewhat balanced sex ratio, so generally between two to one females to males or two to one males to females so neither sex feels there are no choices. Another way to maintain a female friendly club is via the rules of admittance and conduct. Overly aggressive male sexuality is penalized, and awkward or shy or otherwise “boring” or “creepy” men are kept out via the use of bouncers or bring a member of the opposite sex rules or etc.

    The men who are let in on a consistent basis (due to pricing) have usually signaled they are financially secure (clubs tend to be very expensive..the cheapest I’ve ever run into was 45 dollars for a single man on a regular weekday night just to get in) and socially astute enough to either attract women or at least not chase them away.

    Of course this whole thing is sexist, heartless, and morally problematic. After all, one rarely hears of a long term relationship happening from a club (though like all things it does happen)scene. But there is method behind the madness, and alas, while this doesn’t say much about the current SMP , the club owners are only dealing with reality. At least Tobias was trying something different.

  8. billsnshits says:

    Personally, at clubs, parties and all social events, I’ve noticed women seem both very comfortable swarming the “hot” guy (tall, moderate muscle tone, lean square face and fancy hair) to his embarrassed pleasure but contrary to popular belief, it’s guys who are more offended at being swarmed by chicks of varying appeal than girls. Girls seem to love the attention, believing there’s no pressure to put out, while guys, with their mind in their pants, feel more reasoned, pre-meditated sensations of “if they’re all nice to me and I’m nice back, I won’t get into the pants of the hottest one”.
    By male hypocrisy on beauty standards and sexual promiscuity, they wind up being greater prudes than the girls.
    I can’t see why in general, anglo culture won’t acknowledge this, and continues to consider the male gaze as uncontrolled lascivity. Underneath all the hype, I’ll bet guys really are the shy pussies in the world.

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