Letters From An Alien: The End of Sex

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Letters From An Alien, Uncategorized

I want to get to the end of sex. Maybe I already have, and this is just the tying up of loose ends.

Some of us have more loose ends than others.

You know, I still see sex, like I see everything else, as a test. And I know I have failed this one.

Is it possible to pass?

I admire how you keep on going, like a marathon runner, like a craftsman, like Foucault.

Do you think that Foucault worried that if he gave up sex, he’d run out of ideas? Do you think he thought he thought with his cock? Do you feel like that too? There is something in it. Your writing is sexy. So is Michel’s, on a good day. But I think it lasts, the influence of the sex on the writing. I don’t think you have to keep refilling the tank, if you know what I mean. Your work is not a 4×4.  But men seem to write ‘sex theory’ sexier than women, on the whole. I am sure that is something to do with the phallus aren’t you? If you were forced to choose between being stuck alone on a desert island with ‘History of Sexuality Vol 1’ or ‘This Sex Which Is Not One’ by Iragaray, I know which one you’d choose.

Sometimes I want to be all those things for you that you don’t get from sex (or that I imagine you don’t): cups of tea in the morning, a quick trip out to get the paper and some eggs for breakfast, my hand on your knee in the pub, a pint and a stupid argument about Bersani’s rectum-grave. I want to lie down with you in the grass, and feel the warmth of your body next to mine as we look up at the sky and our minds slowly empty for the first time since… for the first time? I don’t even want to be these things in a cloying romantic way. I don’t even mind if it’s not me (in fact I’d rather it wasn’t).  But I want them for you. Even if you don’t think you want them yourself.

All that sex and no love can make a man lonely and cold.

Some people say sex is a ‘moment of love’. I have probably said it myself. But I don’t really think that is true. It can be as devoid of love or compassion as any act between two people.

I think sex is just a fight, a tussle, a struggle for pleasure and power. And then nothing.

Love is more gentle. Selfless. Calm. Love is lying in that grass, as the sun goes down, a bottle of wine by our sides and nothing to do. Nowhere to be. The world stood still. I haven’t had that for about a million years have you? Have you ever?

Can two men really lie in the grass together, that calm and relaxed? Without being ‘married’ and respectably gay? I know it looks like they could from reading Isherwood. But I am not so sure.

(And anyway Isherwood happened a million years ago when homosexuals still walked the earth as if it belonged to them. You know how the history books make out that being a homo was all about skulking in the shadows, diving into alleyways, glory holes, prisons? That was one side of it but then there was the other-the ‘invisible homo’ who was free to do as he pleased, because nobody acknowledged his existence.)

Now it seems gay men have to be either the respectable, marrying, monogamous types, or the party hard play hard fuck hard sluts of mythology. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. Any space for them, for you, just to be.

I hope you get to the end of sex one day.

I hope you get to lie in the grass with someone.

What is the point else, of all this?


  2. Clarence says:

    If you mean this post, well, it doesn’t much interest me, but who cares? Besides every blogger has posts that “hit” what they are trying to say, and posts that don’t.

    If you mean something in your personal life, I’ll say a small prayer for ya 🙂 Thanks for all you you do for us by keeping us intellectually stimulated.

  3. Thomas says:

    I like it. You are a romantic at heart QRG.

  4. elissa says:

    Osama just found out that there are no 72 virgins waiting. His end of sex has finally, just arrived.

  5. innegative says:

    I reckon I like the above. You should marry Michel Houellebecq, but it’s probably too late for that 😉

    I don’t know whether it’s going to be shit or good, but I reckon the above at least is relevant and current. Keep writing as being about the exploration of your ideas – don’t worry too much about being shit/good. My experience of writing is that it’s all dedicated to the excavation of your personal aesthete. That’s my tupennies worth.

  6. I feel like I read about the end of sex all the time, but have never thought of the question: “is it possible to pass?” As usual, you got me thinking.

  7. SimonT says:

    The world stands still for me all the time

  8. elissa says:

    And lucky you – I just linked this post on the Good Men….hoping to get more penis perspective and participation….for your call to arms

  9. David Casson says:

    I really, really enjoyed this passage, even though I didn’t fully understand it. If you keep sharing snippets of your book here and there I might just buy it.

    “I think sex is just a fight, a tussle, a struggle for pleasure and power. And then nothing.”

    Wow. Etched in my memory permanently. Nicely stated.

  10. David Casson says:

    P.S. Do you plan to share more of the book?

  11. elissa says:

    “I think sex is just a fight, a tussle, a struggle for pleasure and power. And then nothing.”

    I like that description very much as well. But I don’t get the “And then nothing”. Because it does not feel that way to me – not that it’s never felt that way though. It has.

    That sounds more like something you bring along…? -:)

    • well it is all my perspective yes. I always find with sex I have to start again from the beginning. It doesn’t ‘progress’. But as you see I impose this kind of ‘achievement’ model on it! I don’t know why.

  12. elissa says:

    I see what you mean and have myself vacationed there from time to time. You’re skillful at making broader points beyond your own perspective, and I wanted to hear more about that dangling piece, and whether you think it’s a feature or a bug – or a buggy feature. You may have answered it in your new Friday blog entry, so thanks…

  13. paul says:

    Hi QRG–yeah, this is great!

    With regard to your question: I got to lie in the grass with a male friend once. We were coming down off acid at Glastonbury just before sunrise. Took it together the previous afternoon, then lost each other until the early morning hours. We lay on the ground, hugging each other, and he started crying. Then he said, “why does this have to be so incredibly rare? that two guys can be like this together?” I said, “well, it doesn’t have to be.” He just said, “it does, it does,” and cried some more.

    I thought that was the perfect homosocial response: if I get too close to you, I cross this absolute metaphysical divide and instantaneously become “Gay,” with a capital G. A different species. I become an actual representative of the Faggot my entire upbringing was designed to prevent me from becoming.

    I wanted to tell him he could be and do anything he wanted. But for the vast majority of men the paradigm doesn’t exist yet which would allow them to see through the big scary words and just say, Fuck it! It’s my life, and I’m not a label.

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