Posted: March 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

I trick myself into believing I am ‘ a submissive’, just like I trick myself into believing I am ‘a woman’. I have been doing it for  years. It comes naturally to me now.

But sometimes the mask slips, the trick gets more difficult to pull off. The conjuror loses her grip on the spell.

Once I held all the power. I can still see his puppy-dog eyes, looking up at me, expectant. I remember the rush of adrenalin through my body, the thrill of it all. I only had  to look at him a certain way and he’d be down on his knees. I would pull his head into my cunt and hold it there. I would lie down and he’d know what to do. I see an image of his face in my mind’s eye, looking up at me from between my legs, desperate for praise, for my orgasm to tell him ‘good boy’.

I know all too well, though sometimes I pretend I don’t, that feeling of inadequacy that comes with power. I knew even then I would only let him down, fail to live up to his expectations, refuse to give hjm all the reassurance he required. His desire was insatiable. I only had so much to give. I remember feeling my cruelty like a whip across my own ass.

Dominance lies dormant inside me. I am scared I could let her loose once more, on a poor unsuspecting boy.

What would I do with all that power? How could I control it so it didn’t overwhelm us both?

Will I ever let myself be looked up to again, as I demand so often, and so ridiculously, to look up to you?

  1. Clarence says:

    Cute pic.

    Alas, that level of slavishness does not appeal to me on a day to day basis. But I could do that for a day or two to please someone. Provided I got mine after 😛

  2. I dont think reciprocation always works on such an ‘egalitarian’ basis Clarence. Maybe with some folk!

  3. Clarence says:


    I could serve a Mistress for a day or two and maybe enjoy it. I do not desire such a relationship full time. I’m a male switch, and have played the Dom rule on more than one occasion, and the “top” rule many times.

    I don’t want to get too personal on your blog, so I’ll shut it for now. Thanks for the pic.

  4. GS says:

    Only 3 or 4 days ago I ended an online dating relationship which was 2 weeks old. I’m 99.9% sure it was a scam to get money from me.

    So, now here I am, reading lasciviously, about your Femdom desires. Desires which like my internet dating were acknowledged as different but not queer or unordinary. Does this say something about us?

    One, we’re simple in ‘accepting-without-guilt’ our sexual attitudes. We’ve accepted it, except for the conflict that not everybody else would accept it. Two, sexual power, as you so often blog about, is not really our cup of tea. Yet, we are submissive.

    The answer, it seems to me, is that we are submissive to our own sexual desires and transfer that, submissiveness to our desires, onto the other partner as if they hold power over us.

    I don’t think I’m being very clear but simplicity and a misunderstanding of the power of our desire vs. the power of the object receiving our desire, seems my point.

    It wasn’t the online date who had power over me as much as it was my own desires which had power over me and blinded me to the scam.

  5. Richard says:

    A dominant without some self-doubts, self-questioning isn’t someone to trust with your emotional well-being.

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