[Self-censored]

Posted: January 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

[If I was a homo I’d go after straight men and I’d get a perverse satisfaction from undermining their sense of their ‘heterosexual masculinity’ (from fucking it out of them)

The thing is I am like a homo and I do go after straight men and I do undermine their sense of their heterosexual masculinity. But there’s no pleasure in it. It makes me think they only want to fuck me to prove me wrong. To put me down. And I am not having that anymore.

I know that sounds dramatic but it is true.]

Redacted.

[P.s. to ‘The PC Brigade’:  I will say ‘faggot’ as much as I damn well like. I am a faggot. I know because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be so troubling to you all, would I? I certainly don’t fit your view of ‘woman’. And I have to be something.  Don’t I?]

Redacted.

ENDS

[P.p.s. Calling me Jeremy Clarkson is mildly amusing but I know it is intended as an insult. It almost reminds me of insults against men- calling them a girl, or a fag, asking them ‘what kind of man are you? that does a) or  doesnt do b)?’ and it feels like I am being asked, ‘what kind of woman are you? That has those views?’ Like when someone said I had ‘strange views for a woman’.  I don’t want to be a woman anyway. So Jeremy it will have to be]

Redacted.

ENDS

Comments
  1. Nobilis Reed says:

    I’m a little confused but I think I understand, past the black magic marker and the whiteout.

  2. Alex says:

    Did you not get the memo? The PC Brigade has changed its name to the Independent Commission Against Discriminatory Speech.

  3. No I didn’t thanks for the update Alex. The fucking faggots.

  4. Heresiarch says:

    If it’s any help, I don’t think I’m remotely your “type”.

  5. A peculiar post. If this is what you actually think, and not something you’re posting “in character”, as it were, I’m disturbed. You appear to regard sex as a hostile act that you use to hurt your partners, and then project that attitude onto your partners as a way of justifying it. That’s fucked up.

  6. But the reason this post is called ‘self-censored’ is because it contains things that if I say them people will tell me I am fucked up. So you have kind of illustrated why it is here.

  7. elflojo84 says:

    I am completely, utterly and totally confused by this post, but kind of fascinated. All I can vaguely draw from it is it taps into the dark, not-for-public-consumption side of sexuality that some, if not many, if not all people have buried somewhere.

    Would it make more sense if I knew a back story…?

    • Probably not, elfojo. But some of my posts here, particularly ones tagged ‘masculinities’ may give some kind of context at least to the subject-matter.

      • elflojo84 says:

        Well I’ve read through a few of your old posts.

        I totally still don’t get you!

        Other than to conclude that you probably rather like not being got…

  8. I don;t know elfojo sometimes I wish I was able to make myself understood better. It can be lonely being oblique.

    • elflojo84 says:

      Yeah but if most people understood you completely, wouldn’t you feel a little….boring? Not as special or as beautiful-and-unique-snowflake as you secretly want to think you are? I know I would. I think there’s a certain cognitive dissonance in many people, between wanting to be understood and wanting to be a bit of a mystery, the romanticised “artistic” temperament.

      Apologies if I am wrong about you personally, but I am generalising from my impressions of people with similar characteristics…

      • maybe. But we would all seem confusing if we wrote personal things and creative writing and essays about politics and media. I may have some ‘mystery’ but what I do more than many is actually open up about whats on my mind.

  9. @Patrick: sex is often about ‘power’ and sometimes it gets confused. Also the need for a power dynamic can seep into a relationship beyond the sex. I find it difficult to switch off that need, if I am involved with someone more than casually.

    It’s a tricky one!

    • Remember what I was saying on your other blog about unexamined aspects of traditional gender roles? The notion that sex is about power harks back to the olden days. We’re liberated now. Sex can just be about fancying each other, not about trying to get one over on each other. Or is that hopelessly idealistic?

      • I don’t know Patrick. I am probably not the best person to ask as you have pointed out- I’m a bit fucked up about sex.

        But for me, at least, sex without power would be a bit like a wet weekend in Bognor Regis.

        I think the best we can hope for in terms of liberation, is power exchange without exploitation. But I am not sure how to achieve that either.

  10. It’s funny how some straight men think they can prove something to you that you didn’t know about your sexuality by sleeping with you.

    • I am wise to it now and I can tell what they are doing before it happens. which hasn’t done a huge amount for my sex life! But at least I’m not playing that game with them. I think there are plenty of men who don’t need to do that. I wonder though if I am attracted to the ones that do!

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