I feel like a fraud. Like I’m not doing it properly.
I was supposed to get the train and I walked to the station and it started snowing and I was freezing inside my bones and all I could think of was those happy people I’d meet on the train with all their christmas shopping and presents and I didn’t have any presents just these tissues and my face red.
So I walked home and gave up. But you can’t give up on death. It is always there waiting for you. You have to see it through.
And this reminded me of that time I walked home when I left my boy, and I felt like a fraud then too. I wasn’t supposed to be the one crying like that as I had done the leaving. And my Mum said I reminded her why they have opera. I just cried more and thought inside what a fucked up thing to say.
So now I feel like a fraud because this reminds me of that other time when I was grieving and I felt like a fraud. Must be a kind of double/triple fraud.
And it’s freezing outside. And I still don’t have any presents to show the happy people on the train. I could wrap some boxes and put them in a bag and take them just so they don’t wonder what I am doing on their Christmas train with nothing to show for it. And the snow is coming down and I don’t even know if I will make it tomorrow. Because when you are a fraud you never know what trick you are going to pull on yourself next.