For the love of Bitchy Jones

Posted: November 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

I miss Bitchy Jones. Part of me feels like I can’t do kink without her. And she, apparently gave up on kink herself. So if even she can’t do it anymore, the woman with a brain of steel and a whip as sharp as a razor, if she, a dominant, sassy, fucking switched on piece of tits and ass couldn’t sort it out, you can see why shy quiet riot girl got lost on the yellow brick road, can’t you?

Take her essay on gender and domination/submission. Take it and read it until you understand it. And if you are a gay man, think about how you might also be ‘doing gender’ in your top and bottom world, where all men are equal, but some are more equal than others. Where some are more ‘manly’ and some are  less. And then read it again. And then think of me. Still down the rabbit hole but quite lonely and not sure who to turn to for comfort or even a fuck. If I  had Bitchy’s number I’d give her a call. But she doesn’t do girls…

My point is this. Femdom is broken. It’s not even there. In a way you can’t blame mandoms for thinking there are no actual dominant women. Real femdom based on the desires of dominant women and submissive men coming together to find places of intersection is gone or never was. All there is a male-desire based economy so pervasive that even people doing stuff for themselves think the women needs to be dressed like and advert for herself as if she needs the business. And it isn’t really surprising that this popular idea of femdom fake out doesn’t have the visceral power of the popular idea of mandom. Because it isn’t real. Actual sex is so exciting because there are two people involved. Two desires. Unpredictability and compromise and magic. If one person is just doing what the other person wants it’s just enacting a fantasy. One person’s desire. Not the same thing. Wanking with special effects; porn with a smaller audience than usual.

Practically everyone inside and outside kink (really, if they’re being honest) discounts prodom/mansub as nothing more than exotic prostitutes for enthusiastic fetishisers (which is what it is) and considers what is actually happening to be the mandom/femsub stuff. And if most people (not just those mandoms) see kink as exclusively men dominating women are you surprised they get so squicked? (Don’t get me wrong – mandom/femsub doesn’t squick me, but that being the only way kinky sex ever kinked probably would.)

If kinky sex felt like a world were women were as likely to be dominant as submissive, where who got to crawl didn’t feel like it was some kind of gender expectation, it would be far harder to criticise kink. And that’s another reason why fixing femdom can save the fucking the entire world – not just the bit of it that is in my bedroom.

  1. I dont agree with everything she says. But I love how she says it and how she takes on gender in kink/sex. THAT is what I love.

  2. James says:

    I’m not attacking you QRG, but a lot of your thinking on gender confuses me. You say:

    “All there is a male-desire based economy so pervasive that even people doing stuff for themselves think the women needs to be dressed like and advert for herself as if she needs the business.”

    But just a couple of posts ago, you were suggesting that there is no such thing as patriarchy. I wondered how you would reconcile the two?

  3. I didnt write this piece, James. I don’t agree with it in its entirety but I do agree the image of the woman ‘domme’ is based on out-moded images of women as sexual beings based on men’s fantasies. Is there a ‘male-desire based economy’? I’d say it is changing.

  4. Ve says:


    I don’t know if you have come across the lastest issue of Filament? There is a really good article there on Femdom.

    Anyhow, I miss Bitchy as well. Go back and read there sometimes..

  5. Hi Ive not read this issue of Filament. I heard there was something on femdom.

    I know I go back and read her blog too! Viva La Bitchy…

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