I forgot he died of AIDS. Of course I didn’t forget. I forgot I’d have to face up to that fact if I was going to write about Foucault.
Anyway my mind is full of questions. And my heart is full of sadness. Coming of age is hard enough, coming of age in the 1980s had a particular piquancy. Coming of age, homosexual in the 1980s must have been a certain kind of purgatory.
Some of my questions feel ‘unaskable’. Like I should not be that girl, tapping on grown men’s shoulders, asking them to reveal things that go so deep. But since when did that stop me.
In the 1980s AIDS was known as the gay plague. Even if you didn’t say those words that is how it came across. But I never thought till today, this actual day sitting here in 2010. About AIDS and tops and bottoms. If you were a bottom, you would have been (and still are in some contexts) much more likely to contract AIDS than if you were a top wouldn’t you?. What does that say about dynamics between gay men and attitudes towards gay men? I don’t know.
It really made me think. I remember being frightened of having sex for the first time, partly in the context of aids. I was very uptight about condom use until I started having casual sex haha the irony is ridiculous and also became more into being submissive haha more irony.
Sex and power is such a massive massively loaded terrifying subject.
Look at poor Michel. It killed him.
I am frightened.