Strap-On The Sauvignon

Posted: October 8, 2010 in Identity, Kink, Writing
Tags: , , ,

It’s a mid-week evening in January, in a northern middle-class home. The Sainsbury’s Sauvignon is magically appearing from the fridge, finding our open mouths so effortlessly. We stand around admiring the newly-converted designer (yet rustic) kitchen. Tonight,conversation is easy, relaxed. We know each other well enough not to have to make too much of an effort. There is no need to impress with our sparkling wit or our in-depth knowledge of what the guardian says about the latest Cohen brothers film (it’s not a patch on Fargo though is it?).

The wine, the familiarity, the mid-week slackening off of social etiquette, its all pointing to one thing: an inarticulate, loud debate about something we barely know anything about.What’s the topic going to be tonight?

‘Sex changes- they do my head in’ someone splutters. Sex changes it is then. Oh how we all agree. They are wrong. from a feminist point of view-gender is not biological is it darling? It’s all about social construction. You can’t surgically remove years of upbringing! They are wrong. From an economic point of view. Its only in the affluent west anyone can afford a sex change, and the medical companies are making a fast buck out of peoples misery. In Thailand Ladyboys just hack their bits off with a stanley knife. I know, darling its awful. And why are there more men having them than women? Well, pipes up Audrey. Women might have more possibilities for being ‘male’ or acting out ‘male roles’ and staying female than men do the other way round. A valid point I have to admit. But I need more wine. Encouraged by the vague nodding around her, Audrey continues:

‘I mean, butch lesbians can use strap-ons and be like men that way can’t they?’

For the first time all night it goes quiet. The easy boozy lazy flow of the patter is stopped in its tracks. Audrey turns to me for support. It doesn’t come.

‘Feminine women use strap-ons too’ I suggest, a little bit tentatively. Then I look down at my feet.

‘Feminist women?’blasts audrey. Now she is confused.

‘No,’ I gently retort, ‘feminine women’. ( Feminine women like me? I feel something unfamiliar stir inside me. )

‘Well I wouldn’t know about that’. And there it is. On her sauvignon-flushed faux-naive face. That expression. One that would look just right on a daily-mail-reading, homosexual-hating-princess-diana-loving-not-in-my-back-yard-bore. The one that says ‘I am not going to think about that because it rocks my nice little safe world where normal people do normal things and other people are weird and evil’.

‘ I do’ , I say, more forceful now,’I’ve done some research’.

Audrey stares at me as if I am a freak stranger that has been parachuted into her lovely new kitchen to cause an upset and spoil the feng shui. She opens her mouth but decides not to say anything. The sauvignon is falling in loud torrents into her emptied glass. The conversation is being swiftly moved on to something…else. Something that doesn’t spill onto the newly-laid parquet floor and make an unsightly mess.

I’ve never worn a strap-on before Audrey. I will now. Just for you.

Comments
  1. wayfaringthoughts says:

    I wish there was a love button. This post is awesome. =)

  2. Thanks! That comment counts as a love-button. Much appreciated.

  3. Who will you use it on, QRG?

  4. good question RH! I might have to compile a wish-list…

  5. impeus says:

    Beautiful snapshot!

  6. thank-you! Nice to see you here. OH god your baby must be due soon? I hope all is well xx

  7. Mark says:

    I hope you’re going to offer Audrey some poppers as well as Sauvignon. I think she’s gonna need ’em.

  8. Jen says:

    ‘Strap-on Sauvignon’ reminds me of that story in the Frank Zappa book (the one he wrote himself) about a ‘famous musician’ who became legendary by making a young woman very happy by shaking up a champagne bottle and, well, you can imagine the rest. Apparently she was ‘menstruating vigorously’ at the time (in the words of Frank Zappa) and the result was this purple shower. A different ‘famous musician’ apparently tried to pull off the same trick, but being a cheap bastard and having no champagne to hand, used fizzy water with some sort of fizzy pill in it (like a soluble vitamin pill), with underwhelming results.

    Although with conversation like that, I think I’d need something a little stronger (and less repulsive) than Sauvignon. Only time I ever had that was at an office Christmas party, and needless to say it wasn’t enough to make the awkward conversation, dancing to Sex Bomb by Tom Jones and Anne Bancroft lookalike solicitor’s wife running down the stairs shouting ‘bastard!’ any more bearable. Not to mention the perfectly circular piece of reconstituted turkey with concentric stuffing in the middle.

    Actually scratch that, I don’t think methadone could have saved that particular party.

    • you’re priceless Jen!

      P.s.I think I am having my comments blocked from the F-word. was trying to show you some solidarity on there but only some of my comments seem to get through!

      x

  9. Jen says:

    Hurm well if it was the ‘calling oneself a feminist thread’ I had two comments blocked, though Josephine wasn’t too discrete about the first occurence and the second was just me asking her to please contact me privately like the others do if she doesn’t want to publish my comments, so it’s no big deal. I think they just try too hard to be diplomatic and have all the best intentions. But often, being diplomatic is the most cowardly and destructive way out. That’s also why I asked Catherine about linking to Feminist Fightback stuff, cause I know they face their share of frustrations, and I’ve been in the position if being quoted as ‘another cool interesting feminist link for you to read!’ when there’s been all types of frustration going on behind the scenes and it always pisses me off a great deal. Makes you feel like Jools Holland is running around you telling an audience ‘Well! That was certainly different!’ then tries to play piano over your next tune.

    Cheers for the support, anyway!

  10. haha ‘that was a bit different’ is their attitude to anything, well, ‘a bit different’. It’s ridiculous. Comments are being blocked because they disagree with the dominant view, not because they are offensive/trolling/off-topic etc. It’s funny in a way but very stupid.

  11. Jen says:

    well I think comments get blocked if they might start a fight. In my case I *did* kind of take up Carlo on his offer that women should stand up and say ‘fuck off’, I kind of extended the courtesy to Josephine cause she said ‘hear hear’. But while I did tell two commenters to fuck off essentially, it was really like the guy hadn’t read anyone’s opinions in the thread, for such a feminist, he’d ignored about 80% of the women speaking on that occasion. Argh. But of course standing up and saying ‘fuck off’ was very much a ‘present company excepted’ kind of invitation – anti-feminists are game but not right-on people, dear god no, that would be rude.

    Which kind of brings us back to nice dinner parties, and why the revolution really *isn’t* a dinner party.

  12. […] just want to bounce off Quiet Riot Girl’s post here, because it just so happens that Sauvignon is about my least favourite beverage. I associate it […]

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