The Notebook Diaries #9 Waiting

Posted: July 17, 2010 in Writing

Now all I can do is wait. The notebook is in his desk drawer, which may or may not be locked. He is ‘on vacation’. Where do Canadians go on vacation anyway? When I went to Canada during my childhood, we drove up to our friends’ cottage by the lake. I remember the crisp air, and the fact we went one weekend, and the lake was frozen over. The next time we were there, just a few weeks later, it was hot and we swam and sunbathed. I remember floating on the water on my back, and feeling content. (I don’t think I felt content very often when I was a kid, or why would I recall the feeling as isolated moments? Aren’t children supposed to be generally happy all the time?).

I am going to enjoy the waiting. I am a lover of delayed gratification. This writer’s words are worth waiting for. Not to put any pressure on him or anything; I’d hate him to suffer performance anxiety. I am just stating facts. I felt excited reading the story he sent. I even felt a bit of a shiver reading one of his emails. I know this might sound silly. But I think it was the tone. He used exactly the right tone. For me. As if he might have tailored it specially. (This I very much doubt. He doesn’t know me or what kind of ‘tone’ gets me off, what kind of…. oh. He’s read the notebook now. He’s probably read my blog. He has full access to my witterings on twittersville. He probably knows all about me and my ‘tone’.  But why would he be interested?)

That’s what’s so refreshing. The tables have been turned. I am so used to being Miss Marple, investigating the motivations and characteristics of an object of my desire. I’d forgotten what it was like to  have somebody move their attention to me. To actually want to scrutinise and learn about my idiosyncracies, my secrets. I know. This time the ‘distance’ between us isn’t metaphorical, it is 3,000 miles of ocean real. But, safe in the knowledge he couldn’t reach me if he tried, I can relax. I can let my guard down, and make myself known.

I never said it wasn’t a game. But at least this time it feels like he wants to play. With me.

  1. apparently Philip Larkin was also a big fan of the delay, the anticipation. The actual fact of fucking and loving, I think he found less enthralling.

  2. Update: he hasn’t read the notebook; just the last page. These diaries are actual diaries, the ramblings of a girl. Ignore them. Please.

  3. JenniferRuth says:

    I’m not a fan of delayed gratification. I want everything now and fast 😉

  4. you probably wouldn’t have got on so well with Philip Larkin, then.

  5. did I say I enjoyed waiting? I lied. I hate it. He may be gone for weeks! The notebook is just sitting there! I am beside myself. I bet he is cool as a cucumber chilling out by the lake/pool/ocean/mountain…

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