The Notebook Diaries #4 Night

Posted: June 28, 2010 in Writing

I am transcribing this directly from the notebook. It is hard to resist the urge to edit my words but this is the challenge I have set myself. Trust me.

……….

Night*

It was a hot night. Humid and close. I knew I would not sleep well. Lying there in the dark alone, I resigned myself to fitful sleep.

My hand reached down to find my cunt. It was difficult to know what else to do on a night like this. I was wet already, but that was partly sweat, and the remains of my period.

I’m not sure how to describe how I felt. I never have any trouble getting myself off. But, just as a mood can change between two lovers, so can an atmosphere shift and darken, even when I am alone, my right hand finding its way into my sticky wetness.

As I lay there I began to imagine you, approaching me with your belt. Me bending over, ready for the blows. I felt the heat of the first strike as I pushed my fingers further into my cunt. It was so dark and hot.

But my thoughts blurred and wavered and the scenario flickered and faded. The more I rubbed and probed, the more I connected to myself, just me. Lying in the darkness on this hot night. You disappeared.

I thought about how I’d come to be this girl. This whore. I didn’t really know but I knew I’d got there somehow. I knew it hurt. As my orgasm began to peek through the gap in my thoughts, as the wetness intensified, a wave of loneliness and despair coarsed through my body.

I remembered feeling like this before. Totally vulnerable and scared and sad. I remembered my partner entering me and the deep well of sadness inside being too much. Because that was where ‘He’ got to me, how he (that other, malevolent ‘he’ of my nightmares) had reached in and taken all my sense of wholeness. He ripped me apart from inside.  And when my boyfriend tried to fuck me with love, all I could do was cry.

And all I could do was cry now. My orgasm made my muscles twitch. My body shook with involuntary sobs. I cried for that hole that void inside that ‘he’ had left. I cried for the little girl that always felt so lost.

My body shook as I came. I came and I cried and when I turned over to reach out my arms to you there was nobody there.

………..

*I might have called this ‘Coming and Crying’, but that belongs to Melissa and Megan.  www.melissagira.tumblr.com  T: @melissagira @meaghano

Coming and Crying is a set of personal stories from ‘the other side of the bed’. Out soon in U.S.A

** I changed two or three suffixes to make the past tense consistent. Sorry.

Comments
  1. not that happy with this, partly because I have vowed not to edit it! But it does describe my night last night. Don’t feel like going to bed tonight I don’t want a repeat showing… May have to just read until my eyes get heavy this time. I am not short of material that’s for sure.

  2. My blog had a lot of hits today. I wonder if it is to do with this post. I shall never know I guess but my writing has become more immediate with the notebook. Maybe that is proving popular with my readers, whoever they may be.

  3. Kim says:

    Hi again Elly,

    I can understand your frustration over not being able to edit this – it’s one I would also be suffering from in your position, but then again I also have a tendency towards perfectionism and overthinking things.

    Personally, I think that there’s no need to edit this and it may actually lose some of it’s power and intensity if you were to edit it. I found this a really moving piece of writing, largely because I can relate to the feelings of sadness, loss and being lost that run through it. I, too have felt those things.

    The other thing that really speaks to me about this piece is the fact that this is the first time that I’ve seen anyone write about sex as something that can, due to it’s intensity and the connections (good & bad) that it creates between different people and different contexts, overwhelm you with sadness. For me, seeing this written down by someone else in a way that pinpoints things that I have experienced and felt is incredibly free-ing and has left me feeling as though I am no longer a ‘freak’ or an ‘outsider’ for having experienced and felt them.

    Thank you for that.

  4. Hi kim
    I never thought anyone would leave a comment on this, probably my most personal post so far. So thank-you, and such a lovely comment as well.

    I think this acknowledgement of the sadness and conflicts we feel in sexual experience, isn’t mentioned much in ‘erotic’ writing, because well, it kind of puts the reader off his/her stroke!

    But some writers do address it: e.g. the Coming and Crying writers I mentioned. Also,
    http://www.remittancegirl.com deals with some of these emotional complexities.

    Thanks again. To think my writing might actually help someone else in a small way is very humbling. I think it helped me writing this down!

    But now the words you see above are on their way to France in the notebook, to be read by someone else, who will add her own to the book!

  5. Kim says:

    I know what you mean about not expecting people to comment on your most personal posts, but then again, sometimes people surprise us😉

    I also understand the bit about erotica writers shying away from it for fear of putting off their audience, but to me, to deny this sort of thing makes erotica become just another extension of the sanitised Playboy promoted mainstream button pushing market rather than something that can be far more real than that and which can portray both sex and men/women as real sexual agents in real physical & emotional contexts. I’d say (having read your through all of your blog thus far) that the fact that you haven’t yet shied away from this kind of realness in your writing is one of the things that appeals to me most about your work and makes me connect with it on an intellectual & emotional level rather than just a slightly removed sexual one – if that makes sense?

    Oh and in case you’d missed the connect, I’m the @lorelei_ on Twitter that complimented your blog last night🙂

  6. potato says:

    When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

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