We need to talk about bumming

Posted: May 31, 2010 in Desire, Identity
Tags: , , ,

marble arse
This was originally written for the official ‘fauxmos’ blog: We Haven’t Kissed Enough Pretty Girls http://fauxmos.wordpress.com/ ‘Fauxmos’ simply refers to anyone who rejects fixed sexual and gender identities. But also it relates to the group blog we set up in that name.


It is fast becoming a ‘Fauxmos’ catchphrase. I have to admit it is as good as any I have heard: ‘Bumming up the arse anally’ does have a nice ring to it.

But actually, when it comes to sexual and gender identity, and specifically, control of and limiting of those identities, bumming is a very serious business indeed.

My first experience of anal sex felt like my first time of any kind of sex, all over again. The slight fear and anxiety, the pain when his cock entered my unmarked territory, the shock of being so utterly attached physically to someone. The way he held me and shook, when he came. The strange sensation in my arse afterwards, the sheer intensity of it.  It opened my eyes and made them sting a little all at the same time.

But I never talked to my friends about bumming, not the way we might casually laugh and joke, and share details of the rest of our ‘sex lives’. This suddenly felt taboo. I remember a mate of mine saying she didn’t like ‘fetish’ things, such as anal sex.  It’s not a fetish I thought, it’s just something else to do.

But anal sex has become fetishised in our culture. It signifies male homosexuality, and not in a positive way. If you call someone a queer or a fag, or a sodomite, or a bugger, or a bummer, you aren’t really giving them a compliment are you?

I am not an expert, but I know that historically, the laws around homosexuality have fetishised bumming too:


I feel like I could go on about this subject at great length, not because of my vast experience, but because it sheds a little light on why sexual identity is so ridiculous. Does it matter if you are a man fucking another man with your dick in his ass? Or a woman with a strap-on fucking a man? Or a trans man fucking a woman with a strap-on? Or a woman fucking her girlfriend with a finger, or a fist, up the ass? Do these separate yet really quite similar acts warrant being classified into whole types of people? I don’t think so. I don’t think Melissa Gira and her friend think so either:


I have introduced anal sex to a number of men. I have enjoyed their eye-watering, intense, exciting ‘first time’ as much as I enjoyed my own. I loved especially their wonder and slight discomfort, at doing something with a compliant (yet assertive) woman, that they probably only really imagined men did with other men. This  implied being gay, which they weren’t, so they tried not to think about it at all. I like to believe that I have done my little bit to break down the barriers between sexuality typologies,  and got rid of some of the assumptions and prejudices that make us all so unhappy.

Don Paterson is the only writer I know who has written about anal sex in a heterosexual relationship. He captures something of the sadness I feel at no longer knowing my first bumming partner – who would have loved fauxmos. Paterson’s poem also captures the sadness of doing something that means you don’t get to look in your lover’s face, and you don’t get to feel ‘normal’ and safe.  But what the fuck is the point in normal and safe anyway?

and though I know it’s over with
and she is miles from me
I stay a while to mine the earth
for what was lost at sea

as if the faces of the drowned
might turn up in the harrow:
hold me when I hold you down
and plough the lonely furrow.

  1. Penny Goring says:

    but you can do it & see lover’s face.

  2. and now my sadness is complete because I have never done it in such a way that I have seen his face. Though come to think of it, this has not always been such a great loss ; )

  3. I just looked up anal sex positions and I am still pretty sure I havent done face to face anal. Have done anal play with toys like that. But not penetration. Just thought I’d share that with you all!

  4. Anonymous says:

    As a big fan of girl-on-guy anal, let me tell you it’s The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name of our time. Finding a girl who genuinely loves it & loves you for loving it, well, let’s just say it’s not easy.

  5. I’m right here, Anonymous! But I agree with you.

    Isn’t it ironic, that it is actually heterosexual anal sex that is more taboo than its homosexual counterpart these days?

    Thank you for your comment.

  6. Jennifer says:

    I’ve tried it a number of times. However, it does literally nothing for me. My g-spot is in my vagina and that is were I prefer the penis to be pounding, ta very much.

  7. simonsh says:

    Looking at this from the homosexual perspective, I think that anal being such a taboo is one of the main reasons coming out is such a tricky thing to do. I can’t imagine how a straight person would feel if they were forced to march down to the breakfast table and announce that they loved anal. But this is what we expect homosexual men to do.
    By announcing that you are gay, you are effectively saying “Hi Mum I love it up the arse.” Never a conversation one is going to jump to have.
    Maybe if we can reduce anal taboo in the straight sector, we can make it easier for guys to come out too?

  8. Hi Jenny as a rep for HAM (hetero-anal-marketing) I think you should keep trying ….
    ; ) No. Viva la difference! Is my motto.

    Hi Simon!
    That is a very good point. I think we need to tackle this issue with a two-pronged strategy. You face on from the front with anti homophobia, and I will go in from behind with straight anal acceptance.

  9. simonsh says:

    If we do that I’ll end up in one of your blogs ;-]

  10. there are worse places to end up, mister!

    anyway we are going to have to replay this whole routine when this post goes up at Fauxmos HQ.

  11. Jennifer says:

    Oh yeah, viva la difference! Just because I don’t particularly any great sexual pleasure out of it doesn’t mean I think others can’t! I gave it a go though (quite a lot of goes). Didn’t work for me.

    On the homophobia front it should also be noted that there are gay men out there who don’t want to have anal sex either.

  12. Are you a rep from AAHH ? (anti anal hetero and homo!)

    Good point Jennifer.
    I think Simon’s point was good in saying that if we stopped defining homosexuality as equalling anal, we’d all be able to be more relaxed about what we do and don’t enjoy. When we think of two men together what’s the first image that springs to mind? cuddling?

    It is a fascinating discussion.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Gosh, QRG, you can be my bum-chum any time!

  14. Dominant4962 says:

    Sadly, nobody has ever let me do it to them. And nobody has ever asked to do it to me.
    I want both.

    The closest I came was after a sever back injury (wait…) I was in a treatment room and the very pretty asian doctor came in and told me that she needed to check the nerve damage wasn’t affecting my ‘lower digestive tract’ and a finger was the way to do that.
    Such a weird combo, slightly tripping from pain killers, in screaming agony, and a beautiful woman fingering my prostate… thank god I was on my side. I’d have died if she’d seen how hard I was.

    Sorry – I’m weird.

  15. weird is fine by me! That is a great story. I might have to borrow it!

  16. Jes says:

    We are just so hung up about sex in this country – gay or straight. It’s fun. And trust me, much better when you can see his face

  17. You are right there, Jes. It is on my to-do list: full frontal anal or bust. (Just got to check the diagram again first…)

  18. Burst Pistil says:

    **TopTip** If you get a big cushion or (for real pro’s) a wedge up under the base of his back/arse, as he’s led on his back, it make life a lot easier.

  19. Is that the bummer or the bummee? 😉 I was hoping to be on the receiving end in the first instance at least.

  20. Burst Pistil says:

    oh, yes, sorry, in your case *her*
    This is for the bummee, the bummer can then position themselves at the end of the bed/couch/work surface/coffee table/nest of drawers/refrigerator and have full access to both face and arse (and in your case front bottom.)

  21. Marvellous thank you! We can talk about strap ons later. I don’t want to freak anyone out just now.

  22. this discussion has descended rapidly from a debate around gender and sexual identity to a bumming fest. I am not complaining!

  23. deepforestowl says:

    Well, there is certainly nothing wrong with anal sex though I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak when you discuss the fact that anal sex is really quite grand, but het men are terrified that it will mean that they are the taboo gay when it doesn’t really mean that at all and nor does it mean that they are emasculated in anyway for liking something shoved up their arse.

  24. I agree, deepforestowl I think it is quite a manly thing to accept something shoved up your ass!

  25. […] From her new Quiet Riot Girl address Elly gives us “We need to talk about bumming“ […]

  26. Yeah and next we’ll be debating oil spills! 🙂

  27. machina says:

    I think a good idea, if you have a bed with a bedhead, is to put pillows and blankets between the bed and bedhead so that there is a kind of curved space in between. Then the bummee can lay down on the comfy pillows with their back curled up so that the appropriate orifice is at the appropriate angle of fucking.

  28. […] We Need to Talk About Bumming […]

  29. 4 day cruise says:

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  30. Bret a Church says:

    there isn’t many topics that peak my interest enough to read every thing that every one has to say . but this topic is of great interest to me . i am a extreme admirer of bumming as you put it . QRG there is several positions that you can try when bumming . i have tried every position that i could think of . i have tried them with both female partners and male partners . the key thing in makeing sure that it is enjoyable is haveing a partner that really wants you to enjoy the experience . the best experience that i have had was several years ago . my partner and i were out in the back yard . i was laying face down in the grass . my partner spread my legs and started to ride me . when he was able to give me his full ten inches he closed my legs pulled my arse up as he rested on his knees . he had me put my hands behind my back . he held them firmly together with one hand and grabbed a hand full of hair with the other . my face was buried in the grass . i was helpless as he pounded my bum fiercely useing my hair to keep me from slideing away . this combined with calling me a dirty slut , a filthy whore and the hard non stop slamming for forty five minutes or so was pure pleasure . i hope i didn’t over step the bounds just thought you might enjoy this .

  31. Andrew Brown says:

    I loved your blog and I love anal my wife loves me to rub my cock all over her butt hole butt just won’t let me in! Any tips on persuading her as I’m sure she’d love it

    • bret church says:

      well it helps to first get her worked up . the hornier she is the more she will relax and the easier it will be to get in . the easiest way i have found is when you are going down on them . ( eating them out ) . as you are pleasureing her with your tongue you rub her bum with your finger . when she is all worked up and nice and wet you go for her g spot . when you find it work it make her moan . then you slip finger into her vagina to coat it with her natural juices . this mixed with your saliva will make an excellent lubricant . then so that you can see what you are doing you move your head away . take your off hand and start rubbing her g spot . the with your dominant hand start rubbing her bum again . you want to use your dominant hand because you have more control . as you are rubbing you slowly work your finger in . you dont want to go to fast simply because it tends to hurt if they are not ready . you dont have to go for the whole finger rite away . when she is worked up enough and relaxed enough she will open rite up . your first objective is to get her to have an orgasum with just your finger in her bum . once you get your finger in slowly work it . if she starts to clench up stop . dont take your finger out . you dont want to lose the progress that you have already made . but working it when she is clenching could hurt . which would set you back farther then you were before you started . now even if she is clenching her bum dont stop working her g spot . even go back to tongueing her vagina . she will relax again . when she does your there . work her g spot with your one hand . fuck her vagina with your tongue and slowly at first begin slideing your finger in and out . as she loosens up you can increase the speed . with all three at the same time you will give her an orgasum that she will never forget . then she will be asking you to play with her bum instead of you asking to play with it . and before long she will have her arse in the air and you will be rideing the hershey highway . just be patient at first . makeing love should never be hurried . ive taken up to seven sessions with some of the ladies that ive introduced to the pleasure before i really started to work their bums with my fingers . oh ya make sure that your nails are trimmed and smooth no sharp edges . i hope this helps you both . best of luck .

  32. […] for example. But is this kept ‘secret’ on an individual level? In my article entitled  We need to talk about bumming, I described feeling unable to discuss my own adventures in (hetero) anal with my straight friends. […]

  33. […] Written On The Body:… on We need to talk about bum… […]

  34. WD says:

    Have you read The Garden of Eden by Ernest Hemingway? The key transitional moment is when the central character, a young male writer, is anally fingered by his new wife. Apparently Hemingway loved being “bummed” (to use your expression) and it really complicated his feelings about masculinity.
    I am a straight man who has always craved anal pleasure. When I was in college my girlfriend, who was several years older than me and a bit androgynous, was more into fingering me than having intercourse. Our relationship imprinted on me the desire (craving, actually) to be the bottom to a woman’s top. Fortunately my wife is into fingering me and giving me analingus though sex toys are out of the question with her.
    I think this taboo is slowly changing. Maybe people don’t talk about it and male penetrability only seems to come up as a joke. But pegging porn and erotica is huge on the internet and there are serious books and articles about female on male anal sex. We can hope that things are changing.
    I post text and images here that you might find interesting: straightmaleanalerotic.tumblr.com
    and also here: http://www.imagefap.com/profile/WD00

  35. sexandmetal says:

    Reblogged this on Anal Cam Sex and commented:
    Nice post about bumming!

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